I think the term "gentle parenting" is an interesting example of the rapid semantic drift that happens when an idea is disseminated through the internet and gets warped by thousands of social media second hand explanations.
In its original formulation by Sarah Ockwell-Smith, there's nothing in Gentle Parenting that says parents should beg or bribe their children rather than saying no and maintaining a firm boundary. The gentle part is about trying to remain calm, being consistent, and avoiding harsh punishment— exactly as you would a dog.
I don't shout at my dog, hit her, or put her in isolation to teach her a lesson. But I do maintain boundaries. If she snaps at another dog, I'll remove her from the situation; if she's not able to resist the temptation of deer scent, she goes back on the lead. I don't shout or hit my four year old either, or put him on a naughty step. But I do maintain boundaries around acceptable behaviour — and try and give him the skills to manage his emotions.
I agree and that's a huge problem because when you pick on gentle parenting people go back to Sarah Ickwell-Smith and yet in reality, it's not there. I'd be in favor of gentle parenting there.
It's like Ghandi said "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians.'
Totally agree on all points but one… “demanding respect.” As the saying goes, “Respect is earned.”
But this is a natural outcome of authoritative parenting. When I look at any kids or adults today that had gentle parents (by today’s standards), they do not respect their own parents. Typically, when you think of a sport’s coach, or that grandfather, or teacher that expected more from you and didn’t pander or give into your bullshit, but saw through you, called you out, and cared enough to set you straight… they tend to create a lasting imprint and gain the respect of the child who in turn talks about that authoritative influence in their lives that they respect so much.
I do understand demanding respectful behavior as an expectation and boundary though. 🫡
Good points. I should have clariffied a bit because I'm trying to critique that the whole 'earning respect' has backfired as well. It's a bit of both.
As an officer in the Army, the position comes with a degree of respect. However, people are constantly trying to undermine that. Part 1, is give them nothing to undermine but part 2 is something as simple as enforcing a soldier salutes, that they follow basic orders, etc. Doing otherwise is disrespectful and we need enforce the standard.
Now, that level of respect is thin compared to the rest but, with gentle parenting, I see parents not even enforce that level and their children despise them for it.
It would appear that there should also be some authoritative teaching in schools. Perhaps this would help to decrease the abysmally large number of children who are unable to read or do arithmetic at grade level.
Enjoyed the article, agree with you, and can’t help but think of the South Park episode where Cesar the Dog Whisperer fixes Cartman. (There are great YouTube clips for anyone who isn’t familiar.)
Great essay! Somewhere early in my journey of parenthood, I heard the idea that the surest way to spoil a child is to have rules and not enforce them. I feel we were indulgent of our children, made sure there was lots of activity and constant focus on their welfare, but we were not permissive. We have rules and expectations that were enforced.
Now that they're all grown, I feel satisfied we did a good job. All are well adjusted, capable adults. And we enjoy wonderful relationships with them. The key is we've allowed and expect them to be adults and don't try parenting them.
Not tangential, it's easy to see how these ideas apply at a societal level too.
You nailed it, Mike. This appears to be mostly a malady in progressives families. Kids in conservative families report higher levels of happiness than in progressive families, where they're more often raised with a combination of strictness (authoritative) and loving. Gentle parenting is the opposite of authoritarian parenting, which is equally toxic. Overly-permissive parenting has helped to bring us where we are today. These kids can't even handle a simple joke, and have to take a 'mental health' day off to deal with a minor frustration.
It's ironic that progressives are all out the feeling and caring and yet it's backfiring spectacularly in many ways. There's a critical need for love and also a firmness that can feel unloving. Yet they understand it by setting boundaries in peer relationships.
I think the term "gentle parenting" is an interesting example of the rapid semantic drift that happens when an idea is disseminated through the internet and gets warped by thousands of social media second hand explanations.
In its original formulation by Sarah Ockwell-Smith, there's nothing in Gentle Parenting that says parents should beg or bribe their children rather than saying no and maintaining a firm boundary. The gentle part is about trying to remain calm, being consistent, and avoiding harsh punishment— exactly as you would a dog.
I don't shout at my dog, hit her, or put her in isolation to teach her a lesson. But I do maintain boundaries. If she snaps at another dog, I'll remove her from the situation; if she's not able to resist the temptation of deer scent, she goes back on the lead. I don't shout or hit my four year old either, or put him on a naughty step. But I do maintain boundaries around acceptable behaviour — and try and give him the skills to manage his emotions.
I agree and that's a huge problem because when you pick on gentle parenting people go back to Sarah Ickwell-Smith and yet in reality, it's not there. I'd be in favor of gentle parenting there.
It's like Ghandi said "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians.'
Totally agree on all points but one… “demanding respect.” As the saying goes, “Respect is earned.”
But this is a natural outcome of authoritative parenting. When I look at any kids or adults today that had gentle parents (by today’s standards), they do not respect their own parents. Typically, when you think of a sport’s coach, or that grandfather, or teacher that expected more from you and didn’t pander or give into your bullshit, but saw through you, called you out, and cared enough to set you straight… they tend to create a lasting imprint and gain the respect of the child who in turn talks about that authoritative influence in their lives that they respect so much.
I do understand demanding respectful behavior as an expectation and boundary though. 🫡
Good points. I should have clariffied a bit because I'm trying to critique that the whole 'earning respect' has backfired as well. It's a bit of both.
As an officer in the Army, the position comes with a degree of respect. However, people are constantly trying to undermine that. Part 1, is give them nothing to undermine but part 2 is something as simple as enforcing a soldier salutes, that they follow basic orders, etc. Doing otherwise is disrespectful and we need enforce the standard.
Now, that level of respect is thin compared to the rest but, with gentle parenting, I see parents not even enforce that level and their children despise them for it.
👍👍👍 🔥🔥🔥 👌👌👌 💯💯💯 💥💥💥
{...This is why I advocate raising your children like we raise our dogs...}
But with a Lab in mind, NOT a beagle !!!
Haha. Even the Beagle. She shows us how to raise a stubborn child (looking at my middle one) better. 🤓
It would appear that there should also be some authoritative teaching in schools. Perhaps this would help to decrease the abysmally large number of children who are unable to read or do arithmetic at grade level.
Absolutely true in that.
Enjoyed the article, agree with you, and can’t help but think of the South Park episode where Cesar the Dog Whisperer fixes Cartman. (There are great YouTube clips for anyone who isn’t familiar.)
Great reminder. I forgot about that one. It was great.
Great essay! Somewhere early in my journey of parenthood, I heard the idea that the surest way to spoil a child is to have rules and not enforce them. I feel we were indulgent of our children, made sure there was lots of activity and constant focus on their welfare, but we were not permissive. We have rules and expectations that were enforced.
Now that they're all grown, I feel satisfied we did a good job. All are well adjusted, capable adults. And we enjoy wonderful relationships with them. The key is we've allowed and expect them to be adults and don't try parenting them.
Not tangential, it's easy to see how these ideas apply at a societal level too.
Nice. I also agree that society reflects this too much.
You nailed it, Mike. This appears to be mostly a malady in progressives families. Kids in conservative families report higher levels of happiness than in progressive families, where they're more often raised with a combination of strictness (authoritative) and loving. Gentle parenting is the opposite of authoritarian parenting, which is equally toxic. Overly-permissive parenting has helped to bring us where we are today. These kids can't even handle a simple joke, and have to take a 'mental health' day off to deal with a minor frustration.
It's ironic that progressives are all out the feeling and caring and yet it's backfiring spectacularly in many ways. There's a critical need for love and also a firmness that can feel unloving. Yet they understand it by setting boundaries in peer relationships.
It's a mess. 🤪🤓
{...It's a mess...}
What a nice euphemism for entirely programmed and deliberate societal chaos for the final and sole benefit of the "fringe minority" !!!
Haha. Valid.