If deeper conversations are the “meat”, then small talk is the flavoring. I’ve met several people who ONLY want to have deep conversations. But have you eaten flavorless chicken? And now you want me to eat A LOT of it all at once?! … and all the time?! It gets exhausting chewing through the meat without some superficial sauce or seasoning to flavor it.
And then there’s trust. Knowledge is power. And if you think you’re going to get me to open up and reveal my deeper side on any subject without screening you first, then I’ll ask about the dish you’re serving without taking a bite. I got to get acquainted with your kitchen, how clean it is, if you got rats or roaches crawling around in that head of yours before I take a bite of the meat. 🥩 🍖 🧂
This is so spot on! Humans are capable of creating much intentional harm (and good) when holding sensitive information. Discretion is wise when escalating (or descending to hold the metaphor) from surface level information to deeper subjects.
It would be completely inappropriate to begin with deep talk!
I’m so grateful you laid out the- often life saving- benefits of small talk when so many apps today are discouraging conversation. Efficiency is good; however, connection is preferable!
We are doing a 5k walk/run for the zoo today. My 11th grade grandson has to walk the shorter 1 mile route with his 5th grade sister. I want their relationship to be better. I was going to suggest they have to ask questions of each other, e.g. what are you learning in each school, one subject at a time.
Your article dove tails perfectly and I will convey the smelling dog butts, and QUICK, and the importance of small talk with friends, acquaintances, and strangers.
We went to a living history farm yesterday where my grandfather worked back in the forties before he bought his own farm down the road several miles. We go to see life from early to mid 20th c. We also go to see people or our parent’s friends we don’t run into otherwise.
I had a couple extended conversations, one about the family business we had, and another that started out at the grain elevator building asking the docent why grain elevators are able to explode? He mentioned that wheat dust is highly explosive while soy beans have so much dirt with them that they have never had a soy bean explosion. We then moved on to road trips in Nebraska with the towns being 10-15 miles apart, and the elevators so high, that when you leave town, you can see the elevator in the next town.
Thanks for your thoughts and how the importance of small talk is so important, especially to face time people face to face and not through a screen.
While I find myself struggling with small talk at times, I realize it’s only with the people I’m already connected to/have a relationship with and when it’s being done to avoid deeper issues. Small talk is a gateway for connection. Love Jared’s analogy with meat to flavoring
It's interesting to compare the fact that many people dislike chit-chat with the fact that many of us will comment on random social media posts about cats, quotes, and other pointless quirkiness.
The term chit-chat gives me the impression of a two-way conversation, as compared to the very boring one-sided conversations we try to avoid. At it's core, chit-chat is safety positioning in a conversation before each side decides whether it's appropriate to share more. That's a beautiful thing and should not be missed.
The only time small talk is acceptable to me is if it’s a brief encounter with a stranger which sometimes leads to real conversation or in text messages except I tend to write “novels”. I’m still learning how to socialize and I’m 76. What I like the best is when I find someone I can banter with that makes us both laugh nonstop for an hour. Like a tennis match with a whiffle ball.
Very good article. I’ve often used small talk as the gateway to finding what we have in common. Once common interest is established, you can get to the deeper conversation.
This is strikingly intuitive, and yet so easy to overlook for the "weightier matters", which may in fact be quite worthless compared to a simple question.
Another noteworthy point here: small talk is very low-stakes. How many conversations that are truly low-stakes do we get to have in a given day? It's a bit like playing the video game on the easiest setting when you're used to a much more challenging setting.
This is an interesting topic with a lot to consider. For me, I only avoid small talk with people I genuinely dislike, some extended family, an annoying neighbor, and others I somewhat know. I already don’t subscribe to their energy or their humanity, so small talk with them feels like nails on a wall. It becomes mentally painful.
Otherwise, I’m a social butterfly. Ever since I was little in Russia, Israel, and America people have liked talking to me and often pour their hearts out. My mother has a joke: now, as an adult, when people first meet me and find out I’m a counselor, they often immediately ask me for advice. My mother likes to say that I should thank God I’m not a gynecologist.
It sounds like small talk in the past with these people was a litmus test to establish a profile that you now would rather avoid. So small talk worked in the sense of a filtering mechanism. I never really thought of it that way before, but it definitely has helped me know the people I can trust with deeper conversations.
This confirms I am more normal than the normal I knew I was before. My mantra is why use one word when a hundred well meaning, well placed, articulate and entertaining words will do 🥰
If deeper conversations are the “meat”, then small talk is the flavoring. I’ve met several people who ONLY want to have deep conversations. But have you eaten flavorless chicken? And now you want me to eat A LOT of it all at once?! … and all the time?! It gets exhausting chewing through the meat without some superficial sauce or seasoning to flavor it.
And then there’s trust. Knowledge is power. And if you think you’re going to get me to open up and reveal my deeper side on any subject without screening you first, then I’ll ask about the dish you’re serving without taking a bite. I got to get acquainted with your kitchen, how clean it is, if you got rats or roaches crawling around in that head of yours before I take a bite of the meat. 🥩 🍖 🧂
100% that's what these anti small talk folks miss completely.
This is so spot on! Humans are capable of creating much intentional harm (and good) when holding sensitive information. Discretion is wise when escalating (or descending to hold the metaphor) from surface level information to deeper subjects.
It would be completely inappropriate to begin with deep talk!
I’m so grateful you laid out the- often life saving- benefits of small talk when so many apps today are discouraging conversation. Efficiency is good; however, connection is preferable!
Agree and awesome to hear.
We are doing a 5k walk/run for the zoo today. My 11th grade grandson has to walk the shorter 1 mile route with his 5th grade sister. I want their relationship to be better. I was going to suggest they have to ask questions of each other, e.g. what are you learning in each school, one subject at a time.
Your article dove tails perfectly and I will convey the smelling dog butts, and QUICK, and the importance of small talk with friends, acquaintances, and strangers.
We went to a living history farm yesterday where my grandfather worked back in the forties before he bought his own farm down the road several miles. We go to see life from early to mid 20th c. We also go to see people or our parent’s friends we don’t run into otherwise.
I had a couple extended conversations, one about the family business we had, and another that started out at the grain elevator building asking the docent why grain elevators are able to explode? He mentioned that wheat dust is highly explosive while soy beans have so much dirt with them that they have never had a soy bean explosion. We then moved on to road trips in Nebraska with the towns being 10-15 miles apart, and the elevators so high, that when you leave town, you can see the elevator in the next town.
Thanks for your thoughts and how the importance of small talk is so important, especially to face time people face to face and not through a screen.
Cheers.
That sounds like a great plan
While I find myself struggling with small talk at times, I realize it’s only with the people I’m already connected to/have a relationship with and when it’s being done to avoid deeper issues. Small talk is a gateway for connection. Love Jared’s analogy with meat to flavoring
That makes sense. No, I don't want to sniff your butt AGAIN! Let's get to something more. I've been there too.
Hahaha another great analogy!
It's interesting to compare the fact that many people dislike chit-chat with the fact that many of us will comment on random social media posts about cats, quotes, and other pointless quirkiness.
The term chit-chat gives me the impression of a two-way conversation, as compared to the very boring one-sided conversations we try to avoid. At it's core, chit-chat is safety positioning in a conversation before each side decides whether it's appropriate to share more. That's a beautiful thing and should not be missed.
Great point and I totally agree.
No. Conversations should be allowed to go where they will. Some small talk is unavoidable. It is the "lube" between the deeper topics.
The only time small talk is acceptable to me is if it’s a brief encounter with a stranger which sometimes leads to real conversation or in text messages except I tend to write “novels”. I’m still learning how to socialize and I’m 76. What I like the best is when I find someone I can banter with that makes us both laugh nonstop for an hour. Like a tennis match with a whiffle ball.
Very good article. I’ve often used small talk as the gateway to finding what we have in common. Once common interest is established, you can get to the deeper conversation.
It does become an art form after enough practice.
Exactly. This happened just last night in the campground.
This is strikingly intuitive, and yet so easy to overlook for the "weightier matters", which may in fact be quite worthless compared to a simple question.
It's the simple things like you always point out.
Why does butt-sniffing get so much judgment?
Another noteworthy point here: small talk is very low-stakes. How many conversations that are truly low-stakes do we get to have in a given day? It's a bit like playing the video game on the easiest setting when you're used to a much more challenging setting.
Exactly. Just engage. 😃
Why, this is delightful! It doesn't hurt to think about the things I say as I say them.
This is an interesting topic with a lot to consider. For me, I only avoid small talk with people I genuinely dislike, some extended family, an annoying neighbor, and others I somewhat know. I already don’t subscribe to their energy or their humanity, so small talk with them feels like nails on a wall. It becomes mentally painful.
Otherwise, I’m a social butterfly. Ever since I was little in Russia, Israel, and America people have liked talking to me and often pour their hearts out. My mother has a joke: now, as an adult, when people first meet me and find out I’m a counselor, they often immediately ask me for advice. My mother likes to say that I should thank God I’m not a gynecologist.
That ma,es sense. You've already sniffed their butts. 🤣
You watching? 👀
Ummmm.
Exactly so you don’t know if I sniffed them or if I happen to just be a powerful hero who reads people. Let me tell my lie how I want to, mkay?
It sounds like small talk in the past with these people was a litmus test to establish a profile that you now would rather avoid. So small talk worked in the sense of a filtering mechanism. I never really thought of it that way before, but it definitely has helped me know the people I can trust with deeper conversations.
You’re absolutely right. Until you just mentioned it, it never crossed my mind. I guess I measured risk that way.
It's interesting the things we just know but didn't vocalize.
This confirms I am more normal than the normal I knew I was before. My mantra is why use one word when a hundred well meaning, well placed, articulate and entertaining words will do 🥰