Ask For and Accept Help
You Don't Have to do it Alone!
Welcome to Polymathic Being, a place to explore counterintuitive insights across multiple domains. These essays explore common topics from different perspectives and disciplines to uncover unique insights and solutions.
Today's topic resulted from a serendipitous encounter on an Airplane, which created the seed of an idea: We don’t need to do everything ourselves. Join us as we explore a confluence of ideas from psychology, sociology, leadership, and current culture, which we’ll weave into actionable insights for success in life.
The fastest way to fail is to think you can, or should, do it yourself.
Intro
A few weeks ago, I was sitting on an airplane chatting with the lady in the seat next to me. I learned she was going to an emotional intelligence training session with others from her company, and we had a really great conversation about many of the topics we’ve covered here on Polymathic Being, including emotions, relationships, and more.
At one point, the conversation turned to her relationship with her partner, her desire to build a deeper relationship, and his comfort in maintaining the status quo. There were a lot of layers to work through, but there was an interesting moment when I asked, “Have you ever asked him to help?”
Her response was a resounding “No.” Not only no, but a longer conversation about how she struggles to ask for help in anything to the point of having an almost visceral reaction to the very idea. Suddenly, a lot of threads started to weave together, and a clearer tapestry emerged. She was less likely to succeed because she felt she could or should do it all by herself.
And she had been. She was a successful leader at a big business, raising two of her own kids while also helping to raise two of her partner’s kids. She was smart, strong, and capable. But she was struggling, wanting more from the relationship, and unwilling to ask her partner for help. And why would the partner step in and do more if she didn’t need or want the help?
Ironically, I’d had a conversation with my wife just days prior, and she reminded me of an incredibly stressful time for her. It was during my adventure in the Mixed Mental Arts group from where I learned so many of the insights I’ve shared here. The issue was, ironically, because I was treating her exactly how us men were being told to treat women as strong and capable peers, indistinguishable from a man. But that’s not what she needed. She didn’t want to be strong and capable in everything. She needed my help on things. She wanted me to see her feminine, not treat her like a man.
To be clear, we aren’t talking about chores, changing diapers, or playing with kids. She needed my help not treating her as I wanted to be treated, as another man wanted to be treated, or as all the women I was listening to said they wanted to be treated. She was asking for my help.
To thread in a previous essay, Chaos and Order, the feminine can be thought of as water, “very free-flowing and beautiful. It can be calm and peaceful, and it can be chaotic.” Conversely, the masculine can be thought of as the “The structure, the safety. It’s the certainty, and it holds the water.” Together, they create an antifragile system, a Yin and Yang of two different halves, making a complete whole.
I was treating my wife like a glass and demanding she handle herself because I was being told by the current zeitgeist that to admit she’s chaotic like water was misogynistic. I was creating a fragile system while she was begging me for help. I was not using my masculine strengths for good.
It’s taken me a few years to be able to put a lot of these thoughts together, partly because it’s still largely heretical to say these things out loud. The irony is that the real misogyny was treating my wife like a man because that’s what everyone was telling me. The problem is that belief generally assumes the masculine structures, behaviors, and actions are the ones of value, not the feminine.
Her cry for help motivated my actions, and our relationship deepened greatly because of it. We talk about these topics all the time, and my wife has had a huge influence on my writing these ideas down. I had to accept that my wife was smart, strong, and capable, but not in the same way I was, and that she and I needed to ask each other for help.
Broader Application
Most people think they must do it alone to prove themselves, whether personally or professionally. However, they typically prove that they'll fail faster than if they ask for help. This was the genesis of the axiom a previous team I led came up with: “The fastest way to fail is to think you can, or should, do it yourself.”
It was born from a series of incidents in which my younger team members wouldn’t ask for help when they got stuck, which ended up making the problem bigger and harder to resolve. Asking for help feels counterintuitive largely because we’ve been sold a bad narrative about what success looks like professionally, as we discovered in Lazy Leadership and Brain Stretch, or personally, as we’re discovering here or in Chaos and Order, or as the lady from the plane ride was facing.
Asking for help and realizing our interconnectedness with those around us are also two primary principles of Stoic Philosophy. The Daily Stoic describes this philosophy as realizing that no one is an island. Because of our fundamental rational and social nature, our individual interests are bound up with the interests and concerns of others. In fact, our personal development is woven into cooperation with others.
Marcus Aurelius says it like this:
“Whenever you have trouble getting up in the morning, remind yourself that you’ve been made by nature for the purpose of working with others, whereas even unthinking animals share sleeping. And it’s our own natural purpose that is more fitting and more satisfying.”
—Meditations 8.12
There’s another twist in here as well: You have to be willing to accept the help and, guess what? It might not be exactly how you’d do it or exactly what you expect. It requires humility to ask for help, to begin with. It requires another dose of humility to let go of controlling the situation and accept help, even if it’s different from how you’d do things. You expect from others what you expect from yourself,1 but imagine how many new ideas exist out there for solving your issues that you’d never considered.
You expect from others what you expect from yourself.
Wrapping it Together
I want to summarize two main threads here. The first is that we are social creatures who do our best work when we collaborate. Our superpower is not doing things ourselves or thinking that we should. We need to ask for help and accept help that is different from what we expect.
The second thread is that we have to be careful in treating everyone the same way. Our gender wars have incorrectly told us that the masculine structures of order and control are more valuable than the more chaotic feminine ones. When we ignore the yin and yang of our relationships, we risk creating fragile systems.
These felt like the two major threads the woman on the plane was struggling with, and I see others struggling with the same challenges all the time. Thankfully, this is not a new phenomenon. The stoics show us cooperation, and the ancient archetypes show us masculinity and femininity. This also means we have thousands of years of examples to learn from and apply to each of our unique situations.
What’s something you’ve struggled to ask for help with? I’d also love to hear where asking for help led to unexpected benefits. Please leave a comment and keep the conversation going!
Did you enjoy this post? If so, please hit the ❤️ button above or below. This will help more people discover Substacks like this one, which is great. Also, please share here or in your network to help us grow.
Polymathic Being is a reader-supported publication. Becoming a paid member keeps these essays open for everyone. Hurry and grab 20% off an annual subscription. That’s $24 a year or $2 a month. It’s just 50¢ an essay and makes a big difference.
Further Reading from Authors I Appreciate
I highly recommend the following Substacks for their great content and complementary explorations of topics that Polymathic Being shares.
- by : All-around great daily essays
- by : Insightful Life Tips and Tricks
- by : AI tips for Thinking and Writing
- by : Integrating AI into education
- by : Computer Science for Everyone
This goes to both the advice/help as well as our expectations from men and women. I was treating my wife the way I wanted to be treated, and that’s now what she wanted or needed.
In my experience—and I am not a psychologist, so the following is purely observational—there are several reasons why people avoid asking for or accepting help. These reasons apply broadly across different contexts, not just in relationships like those between a husband and wife. Here are my observations and understanding:
1. Perceived Competence and Pride: For many, asking for help feels like admitting weakness, incompetence, or ignorance. This is particularly true for individuals who equate their self-worth with their ability to handle challenges independently. Societal pressures, especially on men, often reinforce the idea that strength and self-reliance are paramount, making it harder for them to seek assistance.
2. Cultural Influences: In cultures that emphasize individualism, such as many Western societies, self-sufficiency is often seen as a virtue. This cultural backdrop can make asking for help feel like a failure to meet societal ideals of independence and personal achievement.
3. Fear of Rejection or Judgment: Some people hesitate to ask for help because they fear being judged or rejected. The potential discomfort of receiving a "no" or feeling like they’ve imposed on someone deters them from reaching out, even when help is needed.
4. Fear of Changing Perceptions: People often avoid asking for help from those they know well because they worry it will alter how others perceive them. For example, someone with a reputation for being independent and capable might fear that asking for help could damage that image. Ironically, it can sometimes feel easier to invite a stranger for help, as there’s less risk of long-term judgment.
5. Family and Environmental Conditioning: The environments in which we are raised play a significant role in shaping our openness to seeking or accepting help. Families emphasizing independence, resilience, or self-reliance may discourage asking for support, even unintentionally. Conversely, those who value collaboration and interdependence tend to foster a more open attitude toward seeking help.
6. Perfectionism and Desire for Control: Some individuals struggle to ask for help because they fear it won’t be done “the right way”—their way. Perfectionism, combined with a desire for control, can prevent people from delegating tasks or seeking assistance, even when it would be beneficial.
7. Fear of Reciprocity: There’s often an underlying expectation of reciprocity when asking for help, and some people avoid asking because they fear they’ll owe something in return. This concern can be extreme if they feel they lack the means or ability to repay the favor.
8. Lack of Awareness: Sometimes, people may not realize they need help. They might be so accustomed to struggling independently or handling challenges independently that they fail to recognize that reaching out could save time, energy, or emotional strain.
9. Life Stage: During certain life stages, particularly in adolescence and early adulthood (e.g., teenage years through the late 20s or early 30s), people may avoid asking for help to assert their independence and prove their self-sufficiency. While this tendency often fades with age, it can lead to wasted time and missed opportunities for growth during critical developmental years.
10. Overestimating Their Abilities: Some people avoid asking for help because they overestimate their capacity to handle challenges independently. This overconfidence can result in taking on more than they can manage, leading to unnecessary stress or failure.
11. Past Negative Experiences: If someone has had a negative experience—such as being dismissed or judged when asking for help—they may become reluctant to seek assistance.
12. Social Conditioning Around Gender Roles: Gender norms can also play a role in certain situations. For example, women may hesitate to ask for help in professional settings for fear of being perceived as less competent, while men may avoid it to avoid appearing weak.
As I’ve grown older, I’ve realized the importance of recognizing when to ask for help. I often avoided it in my 20s and 30s, believing that figuring things out independently would build independence and confidence. While that approach helped me develop problem-solving skills, it also wasted a lot of time in most situations where asking for help could have been more efficient.
The key is learning to strike a balance: understand when it’s worth investing time in building your skills and confidence versus simply asking for help. Knowing when to seek assistance is a sign of maturity and an effective way to save time and energy, allowing you to focus on what truly matters.
This one hits very close to home. Women have been sold a bad lie about how we need to act. I've burned two relationships because I couldn't/wouldn't lean in and be vulnerable. My fits clench till my knuckles go white at the thought sometimes, and yet, at the same time, I can see how irrational and antithetical to being a woman it is. Thank you so much for sharing this.